Recollections: SAPO

17/01/2023
On the 28th of July, 2022, I had my first Sapo ceremony and my third and final Ayahuasca ceremony. 

Recollections prior to listening to google photo videos and reading diary from that time. 

Louis asked me what impact taking 5-MEO-DMT had on me now. I think it helped me to "look on the bright side of life". Thinking about fear of death, but now thinking about death with less fear. I think it helped to reinforce stoic beliefs and an acceptance approach to death. I will die at some point, in 60 years, maybe longer, maybe in a few days, or later today. This uncertainty and lack of guarantee remind me to be present now. Yes, I would like to be with Sky, maybe be in the Sun on a summer's day, not have to go to work, etc. but accepting that I have to do some things can let me be present as opposed to wishing I was somewhere else. Being present with what you have can make regularities more novel. People watching, cars, cloud gazing, riding a bike, being able to sit in a University lecture and appreciate the overwhelming progress and infrastructure that allows for roads, education, and society to function. Sure, argue about the this and that problem with the way it is put together or functions at a poor level in different areas. There will always be areas for improvement but it doesn't mean you can't be extremely grateful for the fact it does function at some level. Especially in relation to other areas in the world or other past times (during WW1 & WW2, recently learning more about Tiananmen Square 1989 June 4th), and continued conflict to this day. There is a way to go but appreciate what you have now... ... "Enjoy your breath". 

One key takeaway from that week's bunch of experiences was that the way I use the time that I have is of the utmost importance. Being home over Christmas was the longest time that I've been able to spend with my family since my trip to Peru. Talking to my parents about exercise and what they can do for their health (my Dad should be starting some intentional exercise soon). Spending time with my brothers who are now far more individuated than before, witnessing something that I value and appreciate being able to witness. I suppose it makes me think about what it must be like to be my parents and watch little babies grow up to become adults and have lives of their own. The value of time with family and friends is something that is important to me and I think I should elevate it as something I want to pursue each year. Hopefully, Sky and I will move to Exeter to work next year, meaning we will be able to see our families far more often due to the distance and ease it is to see my family and her family (equidistant by car). I will make more of an effort to visit for the very reason that I mentioned before. Life is not guaranteed and we may unknowingly be near the end. 

18/01/2023

Recollections after listening to google photo videos from that time. 

I may repeat myself quite a lot here but I think my interests at the moment in relation to philosophy, religion, and psychology help me to make sense of how my ancestors may have lived and coped with the nature of life. During the Sapo experience, felt happy to be alive. I remember taking a moment to just stop; stop moving, stop breathing, and just feel my heartbeat with my hands on my chest. It keeps on going, on and on until it doesn't. Further to this, I felt grateful for those around me, the safety and love that I felt emanating from those surrounding me. Considering this feeling, I think since then it has been important for me to attempt to uphold certain values with those that I interact with to ensure that I may be able to bring that environment and ability to communicate with others outside of the retreat and into my life. Not only to allow me to speak openly with others and feel genuinely cared for by those around me but for that to be reciprocal and share some of that with those that I care for. 

Returning to something that Nicole asked me: "Where does your fear of death come from?" An important question to ponder that's for sure. The fear of death comes from the fear that those that I love may not know the love and value I have for them. Therefore, overcoming this fear is acting so that they know how much they are valued and loved so that when I or they eventually die, there will be no regrets of not telling them about it. 

Get over yourself. 

In the past, I had been held back from telling my parents that I love them, with the fear that my brothers may make fun of me or that saying so may draw more attention than I want to deal with as it is "out of the norm" for me to say such a thing. A mushroom trip in 2021, made me realise that I need to get over my fears. As previously mentioned, the outcomes of my brothers making fun of me or more attention being placed on this situation than I desire may be true. BUT. That truth and valid fear should not stop me from letting myself express myself to those that I love. What is more important, ask yourself that question and be honest with yourself. Act despite the presence of fear; be courageous. Asking myself this question now makes me think I need to explicitly express this to my brothers. Get over yourself. Act despite the presence of fear and tell my brothers how much they mean to me because that is more important than the potential outcome of being made fun of or any other similar variations.